What This Semester Taught Me.

I was supposed to end this semester with a heartbreak.

But the interruption, though came late, was there with tissues to wipe all the tears that I cried this semester. I was never rushing anymore, I just learned to stop for a moment, and I let it all there, flow like a river. I wasn't thinking if I hadn't been sleeping for four days straight. Lack of sleep is a kind of pride that tells you that you can still pull everything perfectly even though, your body whimpers for a rest. But, believing that I still have a chance to save the day like a superhero without regrets, I had managed to take the second remedial exam, meet the double deadlines for this semester's research paper and survive the hospital confinement after I was rushed for being sick just to get back again to school the next day, to make sure, that I would be presently there and take all the opportunities remaining. Sacrificing a little bit of rest and comfort for a week is way better than telling your parents that you have the tendency to delay the next year summer graduation and to my much horror, failing a subject as a graduating student would mean a major adjustment for my plans for BE preparation ( I have been preparing a lot, you know that calendar 2018. ). I know I was in a circus show, wondering if I could still juggle holding back my tears with my left hand, while my right was busy taking an exam. I was tired. I was ready to give up. After the first take ( which I failed. I wasn't prepared also to take due to lack of time in reviewing and meeting deadlines for semester's research paper) I knew, that I would not make it pass. Surely, after the first exam, I had been preparing my heart to accept the results with a lot of ease so that I could still pull off myself to write papers. But seriously, preparing your heart to accept failure in one thing, would mean, readying my heart to see perspective in all of these. Perhaps, if not for this semester, may be this "perspective" would work beyond college.

But, what if there was no really a perspective at all?

As a Christian, I always being reminded that everything happens for a reason and that all things work together for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). However, there are also times that I wrestle with these words (no matter how much I believe in them) as if they exist in a blurry spaces of four corners of a room waiting in response, if they would become tangible enough for me to hold as a sealed promises. There are times that I wrestle to believe and try to find connection with these words with my current situation but somehow, most of the time it seems like that, both of these things are like diverging East African Rift propagating pieces of crust to different directions where I'm always left clueless and drifting to an unknown ocean.

But, what if really, this time, there is no really "right" perspective to move on and to accompany me in finding comfort?

Lack of sleep is a kind of pride that tells you that you can still pull everything perfectly even though, your body whimpers for a rest.

This was the question that confronted me as I assessed myself for this recent semester. It was a dinner conversation from the hospital that I had with ate Rob as I told her about my thoughts of taking again the remedial exam the next day. I was in a verge of readying my heart in accepting my failure because my body failed me but, would still take the opportunity to take because chances are God's grace and I could not thank enough my professor for allowing that.

Perspectives are good. But what about the reality that we really failed in this part of our situation? What if, it would be masked by our "perspective" to the point we would not see the reason why we failed?

What if, by accepting this failure comes so much healing after? I don't know.

As soon as I packed my things leaving for home, there were still questions hanging on my mind. Surely, I could blame many things why I ended up in this situation. Myself, my lack of confidence, (perhaps, I wasn't good enough) or I could blame people, my sicked body and you name it. But, none of those were great than the mere fact, that I really failed this semester and to take all the means to save everything with my hands are second chances for me ( Thank you, sir! :)). However, the only difference is that I didn't make the cut and to embrace this reality, is to abandon my perspective so that I could fall in God's loving arms where wrestling is not a requirement. I could just let Him be found in my mess and broken situation. Maybe, somehow. I don't really need perspective at all.

There are so many delays which are caused by this mistake. One of these, is that I have to realign again my plans for this year especially, if I would be able to continue with my BE preps or I would just focus on taking again the subject. Another is, I have to make use of my vacation time for studying. However, despite of these unplanned detours, I still look forward to see myself to grow in this situation. I even deleted all my social media accounts so that I could focus. Haha.

Let this Velveteen of Christa Wells be my anthem as I close this year;

"So if my beauty start to fade

Well I've been held in a thousand ways

if my heart looks broken in

Then I've been brave enough to live

If perfect turns to perfect mess

And all Your Love is all that left

Then I'm real as real can be

Call me, Velveteen"...

There are so many failures that happened this semester ( I still, remember my thesis defense. Hahaha) and enveloping myself in God's peace and comfort is even more real and to grow this year is a challenge to accept. I could just throw my other perspectives for now.

It's time for a deep sleep!