Not Yet.

This time, things are quiet hard.

I have been in a wrestle since this semester started.

Unconsciously, I have finding myself comparing my own situation to other students who have set already their minds to graduate ( and have been working for it.). Some nights, are wonderings of "were there things that I should have done before, as to might somehow, turned things differently? At least, not as this worst of a kind."

By this time, I know, I should have done in a realization phase. But last night, after, I went to dorm from my class, I just cried. I just really cried hard. Perhaps, because, I even hadn't have the time to process about everything that happened since the semester started maybe its because, starting a new year would mean forgetting what just happened and just be focused to the upcoming things.

But, this time it's really hard for me and I hope this is not a self-pity but a self-confession, that I need help and faith to believe that even though I was tempted to think that I'm in a loophole, running in circles, there is really a way to advance through and to look forward to... so pave the way, my eyes are really dying to see.

I could not really deny the fact, that I'm conscious about the future, all the delays are stubbing my heart to realize that my parents would still wait as they get older ( I'm also tempted to think, that I'm such a burden to them), my brother is just starting out to his career and my other siblings are still finishing school... And with the opportunities to just embrace the season to learn, to just enjoy the stay until July and to prepare... Feel like a tension.

As much as I wanted to not think over it, there are times, that I feel like I'm just small in a room of 30 or more students, even though, I have known enough that either superiority or inferiority is not a way to go. I know, that I should have been contented over my situation and one thing is necessary, that never blame people to what they have achieved so far while looking on yours. Grace.

Is God sovereign in all of these?

Lately, I have been battling with doubts. But a faith that asks, is a faith that strives. A faith that wrestles, is a faith that fights. But I am in need this time. I am in need of prayers. I am in need of tears. But most of all, this season needs me, even if the future is unclear and the past seems haunting. I need to review, to learn, to study, to be bold in faith and to be focused.

Remind me of His future grace for my family, friends and plans.

I feel stuck. ( Could you pray for me, right now?) Remind me that He can pave the way so that I can see clearly.

that His plans are as sure as the graduation day, Board exams and to an upward call when I already see Him face to face.

I am in a learning curve right now. My status is "not yet". This season is the time to thrive over these situations. But I also fight to believe, that He is sovereign in all of these.

Join me.